Dear Koren,
I am very impressed with how you answered the problem with the couple preparing to get married in December. I have a question to ask. I have a daughter who got pregnant and I noticed the change in her face, but she did not tell me until three months later. Then, she told me when the baby is due she will be moving in with her boyfriend. A month later she told me she is moving immediately. I said to her I wish her God’s richest blessings. I was never introduced to the boyfriend. Please advise.
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
Thank you for reaching out and for your kind words. I wish I knew the age of your daughter so I could have some context. For the sake of this discussion, I will assume she is over 18 because if she was not, I’m sure you would have mentioned that.
I want to acknowledge how difficult this situation must feel for you. As a mother, you might have spent years nurturing, protecting, and guiding your daughter, and now she’s making these life-changing decisions without including you in the way you had hoped. That can be painful, and it’s understandable if you are confused because it is happening so fast. I can also understand you feeling quite worried because you never met this boyfriend and have no idea how safe she will be.
It is sounding to be like there is an emotional disconnect between you and your daughter. For her to be telling you about her pregnancy three months after and wanting to move in with someone you don’t even know tells me that something is not right. I think that you should approach the situation with caution so it does not become explosive, but there needs to be some open communication and the relationship between you and your daughter definitely needs to be strengthened. Ask her if she is sure she wants to move out and find out why. That will help you to know if something is lacking at home.
Then, if she is adamant she wants to go, you can say something like, “I respect your right to make your decisions and I want you to be happy. No matter what has happened in the past, I would like for us to be able to talk about what is going on in your life and I want to be there for you”. This reassures her that she can come to you, even if things don’t go as planned.
Since you haven’t met her boyfriend yet, you might consider gently expressing that you’d like to get to know him. Ask her to invite him to the home for you to meet him. Keeping it casual and non-confrontational can make her more receptive. Remember, it is also a safety matter and you need to know who your daughter is with as, in some cases, when a female’s family is not visible or around, she gets taken advantage of. When you meet him, let him know your child has people who care about her, so he doesn’t try anything.
Pregnancy and moving in with a partner are very big changes. If she senses you are judging her, she may pull away even more. Instead, focus on offering support in practical ways. You might ask if she needs help setting up her new place, preparing for the baby, or just having someone to talk to about all the changes she’s going through.
I understand the situation might be stressing you. Do you have someone you can talk to? Her father, a friend you trust or someone who won’t run with her business? That might be a good way for you to process what’s going on and get some support.
It’s hard to step back when we see our children making big life choices, but growth often comes through experience. She may face challenges, and while it’s natural to want to shield her, trust that she will learn and adapt. The most important thing is that she knows she can come back home if things don’t work out.
It sounds like you’ve already shown great grace by offering her your blessings when she shared her decision. Was it heartfelt or sarcastic? If it was genuine, that’s good. So just open the lines of communication, meet this man who your daughter will be with and stay as close to her as you possibly can because she will need you.
Send your questions and comments to korne@consultkoren.com. Your confidentiality is assured.
