Dear Koren,
I’m writing to you because I’m frustrated. My heart is being squeezed. For the past 12 years, I’ve been involved with a married man. I know it’s wrong and I tried several times to end it but none of the guys I tried to date measured up. They were lacking in some way, shape or form and I always ended up going back to this guy over and over. He also helped me financially and because I don’t have children, it was easy for him to visit.
About two years ago, his wife died outside of Antigua. It was rough for him and I gave him his space and he spent some time with the two children overseas. But he came back to Antigua and while we still see each other, it has not been the same. I thought that now our relationship would move to the next level.
He still does not sleep over, he has not asked me to visit his home and he has not said anything about us getting married. If he loved me so much before, what is stopping him from asking me to be his wife?
I’m left feeling confused and hurt. I’ve devoted so much of myself to this relationship, and I can’t understand why I am not worthy of marriage when I was apparently good enough to be his partner in an affair for all these years.
I know I should probably walk away and seek a healthier relationship, but it’s easier said than done and I’ve invested so much in this relationship and really love him. I feel trapped in this cycle of hope and disappointment, and I don’t know how to break free.
Any advice or perspective you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Confused Woman
Dear Confused Woman,
I can hear the pain and frustration in your email as a result of these unmet expectations. Being in a relationship with a married man for 12 years is in and of itself a relatively complicated and topsy-turvy kinda situation to be in and now that he is single, you have the relief of no longer being on the outside and doing something wrong.
However, you are now feeling hurt and disappointed and maybe a bit angry too, that he is not moving the relationship in the direction you had hoped.
While it’s natural to hope that significant life events like the passing of his wife would lead to an evaluation of your relationship and him realising you are right there and have been available, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently.
This man may still be processing his grief and may not be ready to make big decisions or commitments. He may also be feeling a strong sense of guilt and asking himself if his behaviour had any impact on his wife’s decline, whether physically or otherwise.
Stress does make physical illness worse. Some people also like the thrill of the forbidden and don’t necessarily want anything more. I don’t think you should pressure him to marry you. If he is not offering, then why ask? He knows exactly where to find you, what you have to offer and what you want.
By the way, don’t you wonder if he cheated on his wife, if he won’t do the same with you? Just curious?
I think you need to recognise your own worth and value. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to fully commit to you and prioritise your relationship. It’s understandable that you’ve developed strong feelings for him over the years, but it’s crucial to prioritise your own emotional well-being.
Walking away from a long-term relationship is never easy, especially when there are feelings involved and financial support has been provided. However, staying in a situation that doesn’t fulfil you emotionally can ultimately lead to more pain and disappointment in the long run.
I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what you truly want and need in a relationship. You also need to allow him time to grieve. Two years is not a lot of time when someone loses a life partner. I know you think he should run to you, but remember it’s not that easy for him to just move on with someone else. Grief is complicated. Love is complicated. Life is not straightforward.
Take it easy, please. While you do deserve love, respect, and happiness, it may not be with him.
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